I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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