Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
