How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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