my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
