I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
