I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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