Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
