I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
