Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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