let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
