Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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