Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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