the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
