i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
