The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my sisters under your porch take her home
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
