Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
