Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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