Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
ugly people sure do ruin things
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
