Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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