mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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