What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
