she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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