i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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