I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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