Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
false alarm, still single
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
