wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
