and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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