Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
