I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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