God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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