My friends, they love my intelligence
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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