Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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