You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS