i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.