So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
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I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.