I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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