Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
