I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Vodka?
Forever.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
