Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
