if you like me you must not know who I am
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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