I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
