Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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