just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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