3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
