Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
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You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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