After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
