My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
