My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
