Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
