I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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