Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize