Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
