the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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