i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
