I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
