I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
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Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
sarcasm needs its own font
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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