just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
