I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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