just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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