you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
