pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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