ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
