It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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