Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
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Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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