Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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