I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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