I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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