paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
